Miracle Time

 

Nation­al

Every­body in the coun­try gets cash

New Zea­l­and itself will be lis­ted on the NZX and all New Zeal­anders will be enrolled auto­mat­ic­ally as share­hold­ers. Added salt in the wound — they’ll name it ‘KiwiS­hares’.

Labour

Dav­id Cun­liffe phys­ic­ally knocks out John Key

Be hon­est Labour sup­port­ers, this is what you’re actu­ally dying for; in your soul, in your bones. The ima­gin­a­tion of Labour sup­port­ers old and young will fire with a policy prom­ise that, if elec­ted, ‘DC Da Des­troy­er’ does griev­ous bod­ily harm on Key and co. If the policy also includes a free Anzac bis­cuit — even better.

Greens

Com­mit­ment to phas­ing out pet­ro­leum, with guilt-free amnesty for addicts

Run­ning late due to slow trans­port will whip every­one into shape, fight­ing obesity and oxy­gen­ising the blood, mean­ing less need for alco­hol. Nation­al rates of depres­sion will drop. Added bonus — the Greens will legis­late about smugly rub­bing your improved health and wealth in people’s faces.

New Zea­l­and First

Free whisky and cigar­ettes for over-65s

‘Go out with a bang’ is the creed on the case in Win­ston Peters’ office con­tain­ing the dis­tilled sweat of Kim Hill that he calls whisky. New Zea­l­and First will not only cut health back­logs and the prob­lem of an age­ing pop­u­la­tion, but will enjoy work-related stress reduc­tions for those work­ing past retirement.

ACT

The death pen­alty for 8x offenders

All crim­in­als dur­ing their very first con­vic­tion will be giv­en a hang­man card, whereby every sub­sequent crime will res­ult in the addi­tion of a let­ter. A full card res­ults in an actu­al hanging. May cause debate about spelling.

United

Peter Dunne life policy/Ohariu freebee

Peter Dunne is made Mem­ber of Par­lia­ment for the rest of his life and, in return, Ohariu gets whatever it wants. Espe­cially hair­cuts. NB: He must first prove that he is not immortal.

Māori

Iron­ic­ally named ‘Get more Mana’ policy

A vote for the Māori Party means you will see your own per­son­al mana increase. If it increases enough, you receive a non-iron­ic knighthood.

Mana

Get out of jail free card (if put in jail for protesting)

This will have to be tightly writ­ten (Stabbing while protest­ing? Still a crime) but might lead to a less fear­ful, more engaged coun­try… or gen­er­al chaos.

Inter­net Party

Cheats for every game ever made

Should lead to more pleas­ant and soci­able house­holds (at least the ones with con­soles). Also, once a year, you can vis­it Kim Dotcom’s man­sion for a free meal and sur­prise gift… OK, I stole that one from the Sul­tan of Brunei.

Con­ser­vat­ive

Com­puls­ory bap­tism of actu­al fire

Courthouses/churches will have to be fire­proofed, but costs are low. Also, since fire is a sym­bol of pas­sion­ate expres­sion, ‘Con­ser­vat­ive’ may need to be leg­ally redefined.