National
Everybody in the country gets cash
New Zealand itself will be listed on the NZX and all New Zealanders will be enrolled automatically as shareholders. Added salt in the wound — they’ll name it ‘KiwiShares’.
Labour
David Cunliffe physically knocks out John Key
Be honest Labour supporters, this is what you’re actually dying for; in your soul, in your bones. The imagination of Labour supporters old and young will fire with a policy promise that, if elected, ‘DC Da Destroyer’ does grievous bodily harm on Key and co. If the policy also includes a free Anzac biscuit — even better.
Greens
Commitment to phasing out petroleum, with guilt-free amnesty for addicts
Running late due to slow transport will whip everyone into shape, fighting obesity and oxygenising the blood, meaning less need for alcohol. National rates of depression will drop. Added bonus — the Greens will legislate about smugly rubbing your improved health and wealth in people’s faces.
New Zealand First
Free whisky and cigarettes for over-65s
‘Go out with a bang’ is the creed on the case in Winston Peters’ office containing the distilled sweat of Kim Hill that he calls whisky. New Zealand First will not only cut health backlogs and the problem of an ageing population, but will enjoy work-related stress reductions for those working past retirement.
ACT
The death penalty for 8x offenders
All criminals during their very first conviction will be given a hangman card, whereby every subsequent crime will result in the addition of a letter. A full card results in an actual hanging. May cause debate about spelling.
United
Peter Dunne life policy/Ohariu freebee
Peter Dunne is made Member of Parliament for the rest of his life and, in return, Ohariu gets whatever it wants. Especially haircuts. NB: He must first prove that he is not immortal.
Māori
Ironically named ‘Get more Mana’ policy
A vote for the Māori Party means you will see your own personal mana increase. If it increases enough, you receive a non-ironic knighthood.
Mana
Get out of jail free card (if put in jail for protesting)
This will have to be tightly written (Stabbing while protesting? Still a crime) but might lead to a less fearful, more engaged country… or general chaos.
Internet Party
Cheats for every game ever made
Should lead to more pleasant and sociable households (at least the ones with consoles). Also, once a year, you can visit Kim Dotcom’s mansion for a free meal and surprise gift… OK, I stole that one from the Sultan of Brunei.
Conservative
Compulsory baptism of actual fire
Courthouses/churches will have to be fireproofed, but costs are low. Also, since fire is a symbol of passionate expression, ‘Conservative’ may need to be legally redefined.
