This year, the Oxford Junior Dictionary, aimed at seven-year-olds, decided to ditch some words. They had too many pages apparently, so they got chopping; chestnuts, magpies, leopards and larks are out. Blogging, chat rooms and cut-and-paste are in. Net over nature, Outlook over the outdoors. A move to modernise, they said, a profoundly sad move […]
Rivalries, on the whole, are a bit of fun. Sibling rivalries, trans-Tasman rivalries, gleefully venomous but probably made-up rivalries on reality shows. It’s all just a harmless, somewhat passive-aggressive gag. However, there’s one rivalry in particular that really riles me, and that’s the rivalry — or pretend rivalry — between Wellington and Auckland. I lived in Auckland […]
Eight years ago I moved to Wellington. I’ve wanted to go home ever since. I’ve tried to find a way every year. But not this year. This year I’m settling in. One of my best friends and I moved down from Auckland almost simultaneously. We moved into a flat in Hataitai. Big mistake. “Oh,” thought the […]
I slam the laptop shut, lock my fingers behind my head and lean back in a self-congratulatory stretch. I’ve just flogged off a roomful of furniture. After all the advertising and auctions and autobids, I’ve made a sweet $1,700. On the other side of the room sits a man staring glumly into the distance. He’s […]
My friend says I look pouty, like I’ve had collagen. I know she’s being kind. It really just looks like I’ve been punched in the mouth and my marriage needs intervention. For the record, my marriage doesn’t need intervention. I just need to learn to surf instead of face planting into the sand. But dammit, […]
It took another city to expose my addiction. It wasn’t because Christchurch is on the decaf. It’s because Christchurch had an earthquake. It was the day after the shake, 9 in the morning. The city was in ruins. People were queuing for drinking water. I was on a mission to find caffeine. I’d been searching […]
The other day I had a coffee with a hipster called Richard. He has a beanie, a beard and a broken arm from a bicycle accident. Of course he rides a bicycle. Probably one with a chirp-chirp bell like all the other quaint hipsters. Anyway, the other day Richard changed my mind about idiots who […]
Good guys grow beards. Dumbledore had a beard. Jesus had a beard before him. Santa has the best beard of all. You should have a beard. And you probably do, because everyone’s wearing them now. Even the old guy in the Working Style ad on the back of this magazine is in full […]
My friend has been struck by an insanity induced by the presence of children. She cries when she sees toddlers hugging their parents, oblivious to the fact that the parent is only just restraining themselves from squeezing the living daylights out of the brat who, only moments ago, stopped crying after three days straight. She […]
He’s become a well-known figure around Courtenay Place, Mr Excuse Me. He’s not quite up there with Blanketman, but in our hood Mr Excuse Me is a likeable vagabond. He’s the guy milling outside the Fix convenience store asking for coins. He waits until you’re within arm’s length before shuffling into your path, locking eyes […]
