What we hear in the shadows

Nation­al:

Steven, are we sure about #teamkey? It fees like we’ve ripped off Twi­light.

Gerry, did you see how much money those films made? I wish we had their youth turnout.

Well at least the elec­tion isn’t next year. I’m not sure #50shadesofkey would be as popular.

You read 50 Shades? That’s a big­ger shock than our tax cuts.

I’m into fan fic­tion, like tax cuts… and John’s book.

I wish we could have done a big con­cert like Kim Dotcom.

We’ve linked our app to Spo­ti­fy. That’s as artist­ic as this party gets.

Labour:

Alright, Dami­an, cards on the table. What ya got?

A flush of females. How ’bout you, Annette?

I pulled a Tre­vor, which is a wild card, so let me try again. Aha! A Phil.

Hmm… Three Dav­ids and a pair of Phils — full house. Does that beat a flush?

Check the list again.

Greens:

Don’t tell any­one but I just caught Rus­sel get­ting out of a non-Green Cab. Oh, and don’t try one of Gareth Morgan’s bur­gers — it’s not beef. That guy is obsessed.

New Zealand First:

Those media under­stand noth­ing about New Zea­l­and First and noth­ing about Win­ston Peters. I know the num­bers keep fluc­tu­at­ing, but you can nev­er trust the polls — or, in Hone’s case, the Ger­mans! Thank you, I’m here all week­end — try the fish. Someone get me a drink.

Māori:

Te Ururoa, please!! For the hun­dredth time, put the grand­child pho­tos away. No Tari­ana, don’t get yours out too. Pita! Every­one put the moko pics down so we can con­cen­trate on youth policies!!

Internet Mana:

Hey Laila, can you guys make us a Tinder app for protests where you find the loc­al causes in your area and swipe left for yes and right for no?

We could, Hone but that’s a hor­rif­ic idea. It sounds pop­u­lar, but would com­pletely under­mine us.

I know, but think of what we can do with the money. How do you feel about an album?

United Future:

Now the bus will be leav­ing at four so if every­one can check their gold passes… I’m just talk­ing to myself here aren’t I?

ACT:

Every­one this is my new friend, Donghua Liu. He’d like to shout us all dinner.

Conservative:

Colin, calm down, it’s not a mous­tache-grow­ing con­test — it’s an elec­tion. You can do this. Now, are you going to unlock the bath­room door?… Shall we sing the song?

Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party:

Alright, let’s go over our TPPA argu­ments again, try to stay focused and — let’s go to the Backbencher!