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Political Animal_0514In the red corner comes the chal­lenger: the Eco­nom­ic Policy Evis­cer­at­ors, the Gurus of Growth, the Kiwi Namers — theeee… LABOUR PARTY!!

And in the blue corner, the defend­ing cham­pi­on: the Fisc­al Frump­ers, the Asset Alle­vi­at­ors, the Mates Rates Maraud­ers — theeee… NATIONAL PARTY!!

Ref­er­ee Win­ston Peters asks for a clean fight, then spits on both sides and declares them racists. We’ve got a bru­tal fight ahead. Colin Craig isn’t allowed to par­ti­cip­ate, so rings the bell — and we’re off.

Nation­al imme­di­ately announces a sur­plus and walks away. The fight is over!

Labour is con­test­ing — ref­er­ee Peters checks… the sur­plus is a Snap­per Card, so the fight is still on. Labour counter-attacks with Kiwi Assure, but no one can remem­ber that policy, so Nation­al launches into Asset Sales. Labour’s hold­ing here, with sup­port from the Greens in their corner. Labour fires off a dev­ast­at­ing ref­er­en­dum, but National’s got an elec­tion res­ult and it’s a stalemate.

Labour goes on the offens­ive now, with a couple of sharp jabs on Child Poverty. Nation­al employs the Ben­nett Defence. Labour senses an idi­ot and goes for the advant­age — yes, the stats are wrong! They’re off by thou­sands, but Nation­al is not going down. Bennett’s broad shoulders really allow them to shrug off some stag­ger­ing facts.

A dif­fer­ent tac­tic comes into play now as Nation­al appears to start punch­ing itself in the face — ah, yes, the Para­ta Attack. Labour is com­pletely con­fused. They’re try­ing to talk about Best Start, but Nation­al is shift­ing to Māori fund­ing. The Greens are scream­ing from the corner — and slip out of the ring!

Was that a Shane Jones Ankle Tap? Nation­al employs a Judith Collins Death Stare — but someone’s squir­ted milk in their eye. Was that Jones again?

Nation­al is now sur­ging back with pro­jec­tions of eco­nom­ic growth. Peter Dunne is giv­ing them sup­port in the corner, or is he sig­nalling to Labour? Hard to say from here. Peters slaps him out of the ring.

Labour is look­ing for gaps in the defence. They duck into Liv­ing Wage, they weave into Equal Rep­res­ent­a­tion. ACT is coun­selling Liber­tari­an­ism from National’s corner, and some­thing about Incest Rates. Sorry, that was Interest Rates.

Nation­al claims an eco­nom­ic boost over the Dir­ect Cur­rency deal with China, but Labour coun­ters with their Free Trade deal, call­ing it Kiwi Trade. Ref­er­ee Peters inter­rupts to take the cred­it there. Phil Goff tries to storm the ring, but slips over on his own history.

Labour pushes for TPPA clar­ity, they’re get­ting a bit of momentum here — it looks like they’ve picked up some sup­port. They’re con­sid­er­ing call­ing it ‘Kiwi Protest’ — but wait, there’s a flag in the ring?!

Where did that come from? Ref­er­ee Peters stops the fight and dons the flag as a cloak.

That’s it — the fight­ers hug, prom­ising to grab a beer at the Par­lia­ment­ary rugby game. The judges score it: 51/45, 46/50, 48 — Win­ston Peters has stolen the belt!! He’s made a break for it, and com­pletely run off with this con­test… We’ve really got to stop let­ting him do that.

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