In the red corner comes the challenger: the Economic Policy Eviscerators, the Gurus of Growth, the Kiwi Namers — theeee… LABOUR PARTY!!
And in the blue corner, the defending champion: the Fiscal Frumpers, the Asset Alleviators, the Mates Rates Marauders — theeee… NATIONAL PARTY!!
Referee Winston Peters asks for a clean fight, then spits on both sides and declares them racists. We’ve got a brutal fight ahead. Colin Craig isn’t allowed to participate, so rings the bell — and we’re off.
National immediately announces a surplus and walks away. The fight is over!
Labour is contesting — referee Peters checks… the surplus is a Snapper Card, so the fight is still on. Labour counter-attacks with Kiwi Assure, but no one can remember that policy, so National launches into Asset Sales. Labour’s holding here, with support from the Greens in their corner. Labour fires off a devastating referendum, but National’s got an election result and it’s a stalemate.
Labour goes on the offensive now, with a couple of sharp jabs on Child Poverty. National employs the Bennett Defence. Labour senses an idiot and goes for the advantage — yes, the stats are wrong! They’re off by thousands, but National is not going down. Bennett’s broad shoulders really allow them to shrug off some staggering facts.
A different tactic comes into play now as National appears to start punching itself in the face — ah, yes, the Parata Attack. Labour is completely confused. They’re trying to talk about Best Start, but National is shifting to Māori funding. The Greens are screaming from the corner — and slip out of the ring!
Was that a Shane Jones Ankle Tap? National employs a Judith Collins Death Stare — but someone’s squirted milk in their eye. Was that Jones again?
National is now surging back with projections of economic growth. Peter Dunne is giving them support in the corner, or is he signalling to Labour? Hard to say from here. Peters slaps him out of the ring.
Labour is looking for gaps in the defence. They duck into Living Wage, they weave into Equal Representation. ACT is counselling Libertarianism from National’s corner, and something about Incest Rates. Sorry, that was Interest Rates.
National claims an economic boost over the Direct Currency deal with China, but Labour counters with their Free Trade deal, calling it Kiwi Trade. Referee Peters interrupts to take the credit there. Phil Goff tries to storm the ring, but slips over on his own history.
Labour pushes for TPPA clarity, they’re getting a bit of momentum here — it looks like they’ve picked up some support. They’re considering calling it ‘Kiwi Protest’ — but wait, there’s a flag in the ring?!
Where did that come from? Referee Peters stops the fight and dons the flag as a cloak.
That’s it — the fighters hug, promising to grab a beer at the Parliamentary rugby game. The judges score it: 51/45, 46/50, 48 — Winston Peters has stolen the belt!! He’s made a break for it, and completely run off with this contest… We’ve really got to stop letting him do that.
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