David Seymour’s ‘See-Mo’ Moustache
For Movember, Seymour grew what could only be described as ‘The Epsom Bandito’. Like a slightly uncool Magnum PI, it was perfect for a man looking to be the annoying stick-poker to the Left. Then, like the promise of a surplus, it was gone almost as if it was never there, and we are poorer for this MP’s lack of moustache staying power. Surely it makes sense for a champion of charter schools to look less like an optimistic 31-year-old MP, and more like a slightly bitter 40-something principal. Let’s get the chant going: “See-mo! See-mo! See-mo!”
Nicki Kaye — Princess of Auckland
Maybe it is actually her looks, or her earnestness — possibly her age (35 this month) — but people keep underestimating the two-term champion of Auckland Central. And by people, I mean her own party. Kaye’s been pushed hard by Labour leader 2025 Jacinda Ardern, but has still held down what was once a big red fortress since 2008. Yet there she sits, number 19, Minister of ACC, Civil Defence and Youth Affairs — which seems a bit of a waste at the possible halfway mark of the Fifth National Government. Like Seymour’s moustache, it’s time for Kaye to step up and show… something… anything! Because after six years in Auckland, she’s managed to make arguably New Zealand’s loudest electoral seat seem unnaturally muted.
Don’t mention the Alliance
First of all we need a better name for a red-Green co-op than the Alliance, otherwise Jim Anderton may die from laughter. Don’t worry about Laila Harré; she won’t get the joke. She never does.
We keep hearing about how Labour and the Greens need to keep working together, so maybe it would be good to see them finally figure that out. It’s season three of this strangely angst-ridden teen drama, so it’s about time the two leads stop sniping at each other and just hook up already! Obviously the writers have other ideas, and the power brokers want as many viewers as possible, but the problem is, if viewers go through another season of ‘will they/won’t they’, they’ll just give up on the whole show. Oh wait, they just did.
We just got an MP called ‘Da Rock’
Darroch Ball is a New Zealand First list MP for Palmerston North, who is a former army officer, whose last name is Ball, and whose first name sounds like ‘The Rock’. Watch this space.